Perry Glasser

SEQUESTER THIS, MUTHA!

In Business, Economics, Economy, Political Economy, Politics, TAXES on February 26, 2013 at 9:20 am

Dollar$ notes with awe the creativity of Weasels.

New readers of this column may want to check on the Prime Directives of Weasel Life, but the short course for those unwilling to click a link is that Weasels live to remain Weasels.

Yellow MongooseWeasel survival rests on avoiding controversy or culpability on any and all issues while sustaining the illusion that Weasels are nevertheless doing their jobs.

  • Controversy: any issue on which two Citizens might disagree.
  • Culpability: being perceived by Citizens as having been the architect of any policy that is controversial.

Weasel-life is therefore stressful. Elected to do a job by unsuspecting Citizens who pay for junkets to Caribbean islands, medical care for life, generous pensions, six-figure salaries, subsidized travel to and from Washington DC, jobs to dispense, and Pac-supplied dinners at Morton’s, Weasels are in a bind.

If they do the job, they are culpable. Someone is going to unhappy. If enough Citizens grow unhappy, they will lose the job and be forced to earn a living.

The usual Weasel tactic are:

  1. Lying – Why say what you believe when you have staff whose only function is to discover what constituencies want to hear?
  2. Absenteeism-why show up for a roll-call vote?TAX-CODE
  3. Absolutism-take an extreme position, never budge, and the lack of governance is always the other guy’s fault.
  4. Denial – Cornered Weasels who have committed an indiscretion often claim to have been misquoted, a tactic persistently less effective in an age when webcams and YouTube are on every cellphone.
  5. Vagueness and Obscurity – Any Citizen who has ever wondered why the Bill of Rights can fit on a few pages of typescript but contemporary legislation for such matters as the tax code require a pack of pages thick as a brick ought to understand this.

Dollar$ is happy to reveal why Weasels are calling next week’s scheduled economic event the sequester. An honest Weasel would call it “Diminished Services.”

There are no honest Weasels.

The Immaculate Delay.

The newest Weasel tactic, the Immaculate Delay, aka Kick the Can down the Road rests on Weasel contempt for the intelligence of Citizens whose memories often fail at recalling what they ate for breakfast. With the Immaculate Delay, a Weasel can claim to be doing the job with neither culpability nor controversy. Laws and policies go into effect on a time schedule, perhaps long after a Weasel is dead or retired. Death is a situation that has its drawbacks to be sure, but nevertheless serves the Prime Directive of Weaseldom.

Some are predicting that next week when the sequester goes into effect airplanes will fall from the sky and there will be an epidemic of cooties and Bubonic plague, pubic hair will unroot itself, and panicked Citizens will find the CDC has closed.

Doubt the apocalypse.

Also note that no contemporary Weasel need do a damn thing to avoid any repercussions at all. They can tsk-tsk the sequester as if it were a force of nature, like Katrina or Sandy, just something that happened, an act of God.

It isn’t.

It is an act of Weasel.

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  1. while I think weasels are cute little crittors, I speak of the animal kingdom, the weasels you speak of are giving these cute little guys a bad reputation. not to mention ruining the name weasel.

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