Perry Glasser

Buccaneers, Wizards, and Weasels, Oh My!

Captain of Industry

BUCCANEERS

Self-proclaimed captains of industry that owe no allegiance to anything, anyone, any group, or any nation, and whose personal mission is to loot and pillage for personal profit. Sometimes called “CEO,” “Chairman,” or some other title that allows them to hold golden keys to special bathrooms near the Executive Suite, though they are managers for hire, they posture as owners, claiming that when they award themselves compensation in the range of 500 to 1,000 times that of a line employee, they grant such boons to themselves as a wise business decison. Why anyone might need an incentive to work for a salaray of multi-millions, corporate homes, coporate jets, paid country club memberships, and retirement beneifts that exceed salary is left unexplained. Incentives for performance are collected in bad times and good, irrespective of actual corporate performance, and are frequently awarded as part of a termination package, presumably to induce the recipient to play better and more golf.

Wants Your Vote

WEASELS

Weasels are elected officials with one mission: stay a weasel. All other interests are secondary, and may be fake. A weasel will never offer an opinion on any issue without first polling Citizens to discover what the majority wish to hear: on matters for which significant numbers of Citizens wish to hear opposing views, a Weasal will offer no opinion–or both. Nominally elected to protect Citizens from rapacious Buccaneers and Wizards, Weasels know that their own best interests lie with pleasing those interests. Dignity, honor, and honesty do not pay for political ads, but deep donor pockets do. Bands of Buccaneers called trade organizations, lobbyists and Pacs are sources of Weasel nutrition–cash. Much Weasel time is spent pointing at other Weasels, as to do so is far more productive than expressing anything as alien as principle. The pictured weasel is so shifty, it is actually a mongoose.

Wall Street Prognosticator

WIZARDS

Wizards employ gnomes, trolls and other magical creatures to create ever new, ever more complex financial vehicles they then unleash on Citizens and less-shrewd Buccaneers. Wizards do little or no productive work; their complex vehicles are often monstrous mutations of language formed to frustrate plain understanding and the Demon Spawn, Regulation. Thus, a bank will call itself anything but bank to evade banking regulations, and Wizards will brew instruments of credit or insurance that can be called anything but credit or insurance, all to evade regulation and allow uninhibited profit. Buccaneers and Wizards fequently ally to unleash Wizard mutant products and cast spells on Citizens because it is far easier to loot and pillage the willing foolish. Wizards, Buccaneers and Weasels can frequently be found at prayer at the altar of the Holy Open Market.

Schmuck Like You and Me

CITIZENS

Schmucks like you and me who work for a living and hope to better our lives and the lives of the people we love by intelligent financial management. Citizens are engaged in a perpetual war with Wizards and and Buccaneers abetted by Weasels. Our only weapon is clarity. The unwary Citizen will be sacrificed at the altar of the Holy Open Market. The ceremony is not pretty.

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